Tell her no

The Zombies and “Tell Her No”.   The lead singer still looks to be in pain.   Hope he eventually got over it.   Poor baby.

Just felt like mixing things up a bit.   Hope your weekend was a good one!!

Mine was just lovely.  The sun was out and I overdid the gardening to the point of not being able to make a fist with my hands the next day.  Doh.  Nothing like a little arthritis to make you feel old.   I also fixed my dryer vent thingy.   I am finally able to do laundry anytime I want.   If I want to (and can get myself conscious) get up at 2:00 a.m. and do a load of laundry, I can.   That is because I have a working dryer vent.   I think I was without it for long enough to truly appreciate it.   That Target bag, although very sturdy, was ugly and limiting.  So, now I need to concentrate on the yard, but it appears that the judicious use of time and hands is in order.

So, I was sorta thinking that posting was becoming not so much fun anymore   I do this every once in a while.  I believe it is due to my feelings of inadequacy and the fact that it appears that I still need to be popular.   When that little feeling pops its ugly head up, I’m not only unhappy, I’m disappointed in myself.   I thought I was past all that, but it appears I am not.   I will not delve into the thing that happened that bothered me.   I will just tell you that I put on my big girl panties and realized that I don’t need that person to like me or accept me.   I’m ok with that.   Now.   After I got my panties in a bunch.   I was going to blame it all on the Pissyfairy, but decided to ‘fess up.   Sometimes it’s all about maturity, and the big girl panties.

So, to move on, I finally started knitting again.  Know what I found out?   I couldn’t see.   My new glasses are a huge change.  I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t even able to read charts.   Did I analyze the problem and realize I needed new glasses?   Heck, no.  I went to the eye doctor because it had been too long between visits.   I think (and, hope) that the change developed so slowly that I didn’t realize how much my eyes had deteriorated.  I don’t have anything to show, yet, but will soon (IhopeIhopeIhope).

I do want to share something with you.   We all think we are so clever and have everything under control.   That is the key word, my dears.   I am pretty accepting of Mom’s death and working on making my life without her, but with her memories instead.  For the most part, I’m ok with it.  I really have no choice, but I have grieved and grieved and now am working on living with the grief.   So, you can imagine my surprise Sunday afternoon, after coming home from church and having a bite to eat, sitting down at the computer and starting Mom’s taxes.   I burst into tears.  Fuck the IRS for trying to reduce us all to cash deposits.   Of course, I have known all along this needed to be done, but the sheer bottom line/mathematics of it messed with me and I caved.  Of course, I got control again (that word is starting to mess with me, I swear) and finished, but I was completely floored by my reaction.  How dare I become emotional.   And, yet, who the hell do I think I am?  Would I really want to reduce my Mother’s memory to a mere aside?  Never.  I was truly blessed with loving parents.   I feel so deeply for those who were not given the gift of loving/supportive parents, so I sucked it up, dried my tears and finished her taxes.  The IRS owes my Mom money.  So, there!

Since I gave you my soundtrack at the beginning of the post, I don’t have a good ending.   I am rethinking the soundtrack location right now.   It suits my purposes much more to have it at the end.   Have a wonderful Monday and I’ll see you here at this same battime on the same batchannel on Wednesday morn.

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11 Responses to Tell her no

  1. margene says:

    Kiddo, it hasn’t even been a year and the first year is so difficult. Don’t deny your grief. You can cry when you want to and as often as you wan to. It took me 45 days to shed the first tear when my mother died and while it didn’t turn the faucet on it did allow me to face the tears when they came. Time is what it takes and, while you never stop missing your mother, the grief will abate. Take care of yourself, my friend.

  2. heideho says:

    Stupid IRS. Never feel ashamed or weak for being a caring person who misses someone wonderful. Your big heart is why we all love you so much. The song at the top of the post had me discombombulated on this Monday morning! Hope you have a great day today.

  3. marianne says:

    ditto what Margene wrote. except for that 45 days. and I’ll let you in on something… dad has not walked this earth since Nov ’97 and I still have those ‘out of the seemingly blue cry like a baby’ times. so just cry it out when you can. because yeah, the parental love you received? that’s a special blessing.
    I’m thinking his pained expressions are due to the neck voodoo I have this morning (‘cuz yeah, it IS all about me ;^)
    seriously, sounds like there’s someone(s) out there just trying to piss on everyone. like it’s their fucking job (?!?!?) but hey, aren’t you glad you don’t have to be them? I know I am. :^)
    Darlin’, you are loved. xox

  4. sophanne says:

    The needs of the IRS are asshattish. Proud of you for getting them done. That took more than Big Girl Panties. FYI Aunt Sippy had the same experience. All she really needed to do was sort the papers to give to the accountant. It was an overwhelming task that left her a mishy mushy puddymuddle.

    Fuck the person who made you feel inadequate too.

    I had to drop the f-bomb on that one.

  5. Grace says:

    Hi! I have been lurking for a while and I wanted to tell you that I totally enjoy your blog postings. So honest and that is SO refreshing! And I like how you post songs, too.

    While I have not yet lost a parent, they are getting elderly and every once in while I get a little choked up thinking about a world without them (and then, ostrich or Scarlett like, I think about something else!). So, even though I cannot empathize, I can sympathize!

    It’s your party–you can cry if you want to! And they can be cathartic…just saying!

    Please don’t stop blogging! I would miss it and hearing your voice.

  6. Cookie says:

    I am so glad that you are seeing better and able to knit again. I know exactly what you mean about yard work taking a toll on your hands. That might be part of why I’m hiding from the lawn again. ;^)

    Ya know, I was going to say forget the IRS. Let them come after your mother if they want her money so much. HOWEVER, if they owe her money…


  7. crafterscupboard says:

    Hey you. Way to power through the IRS stuff. I finally took care of ours last week and ours are relatively painless. I just don’t trust the IRS. 😉 I know you already know this….but it’s OK to cry when you need to, and if you’re crying some, then you need to. My father died on Halloween in 1989. Sometimes I cry like it happened last night. It’s just who I am and how I feel at that time. He was my dad and I miss him. I know I’ll be devastated when that day comes that Mom’s gone too. So, that being said, hang in there. As for the knitting? I can not wait to see what you’re working on! 🙂 Love ya bunches!!!

  8. Emiko says:

    Since we’re all throwing the F-bomb around here today, I might as well join in and reaffirm what others have been saying. Fuck those who make us feel inadequate. It’s probably because they are themselves. We have to just shake it off and don’t let it get the best of us. I know, easier said than done 😉

    You better not be not posting! How am I supposed to get through my weeks without Cindy and Grover and Miss EM??? Nu-uh, I tell you! 🙂

    We’re almost approaching the 1 year anniversary of Bear’s father’s death at the end of this month and I’m not sure how things will be. It’s still so strange that it’s already been a year since he passed. Bear had some issues with his father in his younger years, but their relationship became much closer as they both got older. It’s really a shame that he was taken from us so early in life…I don’t think death is something one can ever be completely “over.” The strangest things can bring you back to the day when it happened and the feelings are right back as strong as they were back then. But damn, I’m practically writing a blog post on your blog (a blog jack?, heh), so better just end it here.

  9. Joy says:

    What everyone else said! My grandmother died the year our girls were born, and it took a long time for it not to sneak up and hit me every so often. Keep on keeping on – many hugs!

  10. Annie says:

    I ate some chocolate pudding the other day and bawled my eyes out. It really is ok.

  11. Rachel says:

    I don’t know what I could say that everyone else hasn’t said better than I could, but I do want to say one important thing. *hug*

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